The first year I was in Atlanta, I returned to college and Ben came to see us. I am not sure if my stroke that I had later in life or my anxiety effects my memory, but I don’t remember the visit. It makes me sad because I don’t know what we talked about or if the visit went well. I do remember him calling me to tell me he was getting married and being confused that he called to tell me. I truly never understood why he didn’t hate me. After about a year, I met my second husband, Kirk. This time I thought I had done everything right, but now that I look back there were little red flags. I did meet all of his family and friends, including his daughter, but he slowly isolated me from my friends and family. We did get married after 2-1/2 years, which was when we started attending his family’s church and seeing my family almost never. After we sold the house in Oxford, we moved almost 2 hours from my parents and the isolation continued, and then he slowly began controlling every aspect of my life. He slowly started to criticize the way I dressed. saying that I should be more modest like the women at church. I did slowly begin to wear nothing but skirts and long-sleeved shirts. I will never forget the day his brother came over and I let him in the kitchen to wait for Kirk. That night he yelled at me that a man should never be in the house unless he was there, including my father and brother, and that it was indecent for me to not have shoes on when his brother was over. I knew at this point he was over the top but was too afraid to leave.

We attended church 3x a week with his family while he continued to work in the family construction business while I did the bids and occasionally worked out in the field. When I was home, I had to make sure the entire house was cleaned and dusted before he got home, and dinner was on the table, or he would just spend the entire night criticizing me. He also demanded sex 2-4x a day. He was great in bed, but I grew to hate it because I resented him so much and it just felt like he was using me every time we had sex. Fourteen months into our marriage, I discovered that he had been sleeping with multiple strippers while he was out of town on business. He came home one night, and the phone rang, and he went outside, which was not like him. I went out the back door and around to the front and knew he was talking to a woman. He had the audacity to be upset with me listening in on his call, really? I am your wife, you asshole. The next night he came home with one of our workers. As I was getting ready to put the dinner on the table, he came in and told me that he thought we needed a break. I said, what do you mean a break? You don’t get a break from your wife. Do you want a divorce? He responded, yes, that he didn’t love me anymore. I told him that I would not give him one unless he went to counseling because you don’t change your wife like you change your underwear. I then served dinner to him, my son, and Martin with a smile. While they were outside after dinner, I made macadamia nut cookies and told him they were chocolate chip. He was allergic to macadamia nuts. I put just enough in to be irritating, and he coughed and cleared his throat all night.

The next morning was even worse. He refused to go to church, and for the first time since we got married, I went alone with Jacob. I sat in our usual spot and his brothers and uncle were right in front of me. I will never forget the look on their faces, they knew. Everyone knew. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why would you not tell me? I remember the room spinning and feeling like I was going to be sick and pass out, but I was polite and went to our normal family lunch because his Uncle John was in town. I finally mustered the courage and asked how long they had known and why didn’t they tell me? One said, we thought you knew, and the uncle said, because I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and they hoped he would change. Well, your character does not change.

After our divorce, Jacob and I moved to Orlando, Florida. Kirk and I shared bills from our divorce, and I would have to call periodically to make sure he sent me the money. Every time we talked, he would try to get me to come back to him or spend time with Jacob. This went on for almost 3 years. One month I could not get him on the phone and had to call his brother. I was surprised, but not really, when I asked his brother if he knew where he w. His brother told me that he was on his honeymoon. What a loser, the entire time he was trying to get me to come back to him, he was up to the same tricks.

About 6 months later, I get a call from his wife asking me what really happened in our marriage. I told her that I was not going to speak ill of him, but if it was me, I would pack my bags and never look back. Then in the next breath, she told me that she was pregnant with his son. I don’t know why that hurt, but it did. He told me he never wanted any more children, but I guess what he meant is that he didn’t want children with me. I did not know whether to congratulate her or tell her that I was sorry. She gave me her address and I sent her a baby gift but never heard from her again. I don’t know why, but it took me until that day to stop wearing my wedding band. Taking it off was one of the hardest things. After our divorce, I was so shattered, not just because he cheated, but that our entire church and his family knew and acted like everything was normal and no one had the guts to tell me. I felt so betrayed. My faith was never the same, but now that I am older, I realize that it wasn’t my faith in God but people that had changed.