A few months later I returned to dancing and was introduced to a man named Lynn. We started off just meeting to dance a few nights a week, but it evolved into so much more. It was the only other time in my left that I felt safe since Ben. We dated for 6 months before I ever went to his house and then we became inseparable. I never spent the night, but we spent every moment of every weekend together. He allowed me to cry and share my fears. We would spend Saturdays on his farm just tending to his property and dancing in the kitchen. If he had to work on a Saturday, I would go to his house to wait for him and let Jacob run around and play outside. I was the happiest I had been in years. He even protected me from Jacob’s father who once thought we were alone and got mad when I brought Jacob for a visit. He lunged at me because he said I was never going to keep his son from him, literally because I was 5 minutes late due to traffic. Next thing I knew Lynn had pulled in behind Jeff in his car and grabbed him by the back of his neck and just threw him, which sadly caused us many problems in our relationship due to Jeffreys jealousy. Lynn was wonderful. He would bring me flowers and leave me notes around the house and always tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, but as we grew closer to the year mark, and he started talking about children and marriage, my anxiety grew. I knew that he would leave me, and. yep, I did it again, I left. I really tried to stay. I even went to counseling with him and allowed him to see my abject fear and he loved me through it, but I could not overcome my anxiety and my fears. We tried numerous times to get back together, but he could never trust me. I have since never opened up to anyone again. I have only pursued relationships where I knew I would never get hurt if I left, but boy was I wrong. Even marrying someone that you don’t let know you can hurt you in different ways.

After the episode in the garage with Jeff, my dad got transferred to Atlanta, Georgia, and Jeff began threatening to take Jacob and disappear with him so I could never find him if I tried to move. I was still in college and Jeff had cleaned out our only joint bank account and kept the only car we had because it was his before we got married. Never mind that I had given up my truck because I had been a stay-at-home mom for the first few months of Jacob’s life. The threats got so bad that one night, during a blizzard, my attorney advised me to take Jacob and head to Atlanta and we would deal with the repercussions. When I got to Atlanta I called and gave him my address and let him know that I was willing to work out any visitation he would like, but instead his attorney requested I be charged with federal kidnapping. When I was forced to return for a court hearing, the judge ordered me to hand over Jacob to his father. The next day at the hearing, Jeff was ordered to bring our son to court and the judge got to see the real him. Jacob was crying and reaching for me and Jeff told him, you don’t need your mommy, I’m right here. You have me now. Well, I got the visitation schedule I wanted and the judge immediately admonished Jeff for his behavior and ordered him to give me Jacob. Throughout my son’s life, I never spoke ill of his father, didn’t get regular child support, and ensured that my son made all of his visitation with his father and received a true blessing in my son. He turned out to be the most wonderful son, husband, and father any mother could ask for. I will never forget the day we were taking a walk when he was 14 years old and he said to me, mom, I want to thank you for letting me see my father for who he truly is. I love him because you taught me to love him, but I do not respect him as a man. That was the last time he saw his father until he married his beautiful wife when he was 21 and has only seen him once in the last 10 years since then. If only my son knew that he saved my life by coming into this world. I know that I would be dead if it were not for him. There are still days that I feel like I am just waiting to die. This cannot be all that life has to offer.