I was excited to go back to New York because I thought I could go back as a new person and retake my life, but what I was really trying to get back was my innocence and my trust of people that was shattered. I broke up with Ben because I told him that I did not want a long-distance relationship, which I truly did not know how to do as we were so young, and I was so wrapped up in my emotions. My deepest regret in life was walking away from him, but I didn’t know how to heal with him, or without him. I truly felt it would be easier if he hated me. The next year of my life did not improve. I drank a fifth of Jack Daniels every day and on the weekends chased it down with as much beer as I could drink, most times until I blacked out. My old boyfriend, Geoff, did reach out to me multiple times after my return. I did go on one date with him and knew that it would never work. One night we went to play pool and then went back to his house. Everything was okay at first, until his brother, Otis, walked in. The sight of him threw me into such a panic, I literally grabbed my purse and ran out and did not talk to Geoff again until almost 10 years later. As soon as I saw Otis’ face, all I could think about were his hands on my throat and him tackling me to the ground. I was able to go to college, but outside of doing my schoolwork, attending class, and working part time, all I did was drink, cry, and contemplate suicide. I would pretend I was okay until I was in my truck alone and then drive and cry until I could barely see. All I could think about was drinking and wanting to kill myself. It was an absolute horrible time and makes me want to cry now every time I think about it. Even almost 30 years later, I still feel some days that I would be better off dead. There are days when I feel like I am just waiting to die. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my family and my children, but just so tired of feeling like I am hiding a part of myself, but I don’t know how to stop it. I will never give up on trying to enjoy life, but deep down there is always a nagging sadness and heaviness I just can’t shake. It has taken me more than 25 years and multiple attempts at counseling to realize my own self-worth, but still struggle with communication of my feelings to this day.