Oh my gosh, that was one of the worst panic attacks I have had, ever. I couldn’t stop hyperventilating and had to go for a drive but almost couldn’t see and had to pull over and put my head between my knees. I felt like I needed to escape but there was nowhere to go.

So, after we got inside, I said I needed to go to the bathroom and made Emily go with me. As soon as we walked in, you could tell, not only was the house abandoned, but that it was a crack house. The total and tub were filled with this black sludge that smelled so bad, I almost wretched. I told her that we needed to figure out a way to get out, and she said, it’s okay, they just want to party a little and then they will take us to the bus. I said, Emily, it is pitch black, there are no more buses, we need to leave.

She wouldn’t listen and went back into the living room where there were now another man and a woman that were not there when we went in. One of them had rolled a joint and produced some alcohol. I refused, and I think they knew I was not going to be as cooperative as Emily. She was laughing and smoking while they kept making her drink. The next thing I knew the one, who was kind of the ringleader (they never told us their names), took Emily the front bedroom. I tried to get to the front room, but the man and female blocked my way. There was a second door through another bedroom. I tried to go in there and the second of the two from the record store pulled me down on the bed. I sat next him and told him that they needed to let her out and I wanted to go home. He kept shooshing me and trying to touch my face. I kept pushing him away. The man and woman were there and stood next to the bed and just watched while he tried to fondle me. He then tied to kiss me, and I pushed him away. I don’t know why he stopped, but he somehow just seemed like he didn’t want to hurt me and felt bad we were there. I need a break for tonight, but there is more. I will save it for the next time I feel I can write more.

I have been having panic attacks and chest pains all day. I even broke down and smoked almost an entire pack of cigarettes because I could not calm down. I know, nicotine actually makes you jittery. It was that or the half a bottle of Jack I have left over from the hurricane. I have tried therapy multiple times but as soon as I get to this point, the pain becomes unbearable and I stop, but I promised myself I would push through this time. My best friend offered to sit with me, but I don’t know why, I need to do it alone. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am not there. It is in the past. They can’t hurt me but in my head. My writing time is also limited. While I have talked to my daughter about being raped in the general sense, she does not know the extent and hope she never will. I am sitting here procrastinating and can’t move on because my chest is pounding so hard. Damn them! I just want to feel safe for once and not always full of anxiety and fear. I will never let anyone I know see it. People tell me all the time that I am the strongest person they know. Honestly, I am terrified quite a bit, but I never let my fear take over in my work life but do in my personal life to my own detriment. I struggle to maintain friendships because deep down a little part of me does not believe that they really like me. It is funny, most of the outwardly happy people I have ever met in my life are truly sad deep down. When I started this blog, I thought I would be able to tell a cogent story, but my mind just races when I start to sit down and write.